Day 3

Hey guys!!

So I have an exam tomorrow that I, quite honestly, am not to sure I will do too well on but I know that God will make a way.  I've been studying and formed a pretty good study group so I hope all goes well.  For those out there who have some issues that they too, are a bit uncertain about or things are looking bleak, here is a song that has encouraged me many times:

It brings a smile to my face and I hope it does the same for you!! Keeping positive is something we all need to do to keep our sanity in this sometimes hectic life right?  I hope your day ended well and tomorrow would be even better!!  

On a side note, I finally went to my mcat class and man is the work cut out for me.  However, diligence is my middle name (as well as procrastination).  lol. It's okay though, I'm serious about this so I will start on the assignments given to me and keep my head up.  How many times in your life have you thought "oh man, this is it, my life is over?"  Well, NOT TODAY! God can deliver you from anything.  He will never give you more than you can handle.  That's my motto. So keep that beautiful smile and be encouraged! 

Day 2

It's day 2 that I am writing on bloggers.  I had a relapse today.  Even though I know I should be building confidence everyday and reading my bible and putting all of my faith and trust in God, this is a heck of a lot harder than I anticipated.  I started avoiding mirrors again... even though I swore that I would remind myself that I am pretty.  I started getting those annoying thoughts.  You know the one where you start to become slightly be jealous of those around you simply because it seems that your life is the worst compared to all of others.  That their "problems" only cover half the problems that you have in your life.  That your still expected to smile and sympathize with someone complaining of too many boys knocking on their doors when you have no one.  When you hear people with 4.0's complain about how they are disappointed they got a 39 on their mcat's instead of a 40.  When you want to complain to your parents and just drop out of college so that you can lay down and your room and think of nothing for the rest of your life (lol a huge exaggeration there).
Okay, let me stop being depressing.  I am one who longs to be heard, but once given the opportunity to speak, still manage to choke on the attention.  I am one who longs for attention but once I receive it, I die of embarrassment.  Heck, even on the internet I am ignored but I know that if I received a lot of attention of my blog, I'd get self conscious.  It seems as though I'm insatiable (lol).

HOWEVER, after ranting and yaking your ear off, I have decided to put these annoying thoughts behind me.  My devotion today told me that Job had it a heck of a lot worse than anything any human can attest to.  It reminded me to put my faith in God.  So therefore, I will press on.  Even if it gets hard (and believe me, it is) and even if I want nothing more than to shut my computer down right now, crawl in to my bed, and cry for the disappointment that I am half sure I will experience in the future, I must look ahead.  This is MY dream.  God will give me the power to overcome any situation.  That doesn't mean I'm given a magic wand and all my problems disappear in a heart beat. I'm saying that for now, I will look in the mirror and say "God made that beautiful girl infront of me" (and believe it!)

For anyone reading, you ARE beautiful, just like me.
Your dreams can happen, provided its what God wants you to do.
We can do this. "I (WE) can do all things through Christ who STRENGTHENS me (US)".

Rising from the Dead

I have not been on this site in so long! Though I have but one faithful follower, I will write anyway. From this day on, I would try my best to write my journey.  I've done a lot of things and thinking during my absence from this site.  All that I have done will now be marked, not day by day but some updates, for I will become a doctor.  I may regret these words later on when I look back on these posts and find that I have not accomplished my dream, but the race is now officially on.  Many people may ask me, why a doctor?  Why not a nurse or some other profession?  Even though I can't particularly convey WHY I want to be a doctor in the most elegant terms, my only answer as of now is: to help people.  My whole life, I have literally been surrounded by loved ones passing away from one illness or other.  I myself, was confined to the hospital early on in age and, through many volunteer experiences and shadowing, have now solidified my dreams to being a doctor.  On this Saturday, November 10th, 2012, I will do everything in my power to do well on my MCATs and my gpa.  I took my first practice MCAT and got a 18. An EIGHTEEN. The highest being a 45.  The national average is a 29.  As you can see, I have a long way to go.  The test is on May 30th 2013.  By that time, I will and I mean WILL be a proper competitor for medical school.  This post is just to encourage myself and others out there whose dream it is to being a doctor.  We can do this.  We CAN and WILL accomplish our dream by the grace of God.  See you all in a bit!

When Life gives you lemons....

They say when life gives you lemons, make lemonade.
I don't want any more lemonade.
I'm filled to the brink of its sour sweetness
When I look back on the reasons why I was sad,
why i believed that I am overworked and under appreciated
I can see it doesn't nearly compare to what other peoples problems are
But I cant help but be depressed.
Is it so wrong to want friends who you can actually call a friend?!
Is it so wrong to want a 4.0 GPA even though your nowhere close to it?
Is it wrong to doubt your goal to be a doctor based on the competition?
I have been given many lemons
that I have tried to throw back at life
because of the optimism and hope
that i have tried to emit to other people
but these lemons...their sourness is sucking me dry

Crappy

I've been feeling quite crappy lately. Many of my friends were off in their world. What do I mean by their world? They all have boyfriends to take care of. Who do I have? A teddy bear who is slowly ripping apart by a huge tear in its back. Now, don't get me wrong. I love that teddy bear (even though I'm in college i don't care) but I am tired. There is no people in college that I'm interested in or are interested in me. I come home to all the younger people talking about their booming romantic life and unknowingly to them, rub my loneliness in my face further. I've been so depressed that I wrote this short story:
I started laughing before I could stop myself. No matter how angry I got at this man, somehow he always weaseled his way back into m good graces. "HAHAHA!" I laughed, uncontrollably now. "Babe....." I started to say before more laughs escaped me, "PLEASE!" I just couldn't take it anymore. "I CAN'T BREATHE!" I screamed. Finally, my boyfriend stopped his assault of the tickles on my feet and raised his head to grin at me. My heart fluttered as I looked into his sea green eyes and couldn't help but smile at my man. "All forgiven?" he asked playfully. "yes dammit" i said with a smile. i couldn't get enough of this man and apparently he couldn't get enough of me too. i loved him way beyond what i thought i was capable of loving and regretted it slightly. a man with this much influence on me still scared me. the only good thing was that he doesn't take me for granted and loves me too. He doesn't know that i love him, but he tells me he loves me all the time. I'm not the overly romantic type of girl (okay maybe a little) but he fits my life perfectly.
Yes, I know it's weird to write a slightly romantic short story when your depressed but it made me smile and feel a little better at the time. I still feel a little crappy though =/ I anxiously await my turn for a boyfriend too.

Oh no

i was walking
down a quiet hallway
with my friend.
i opened the door
and there you was
standing.
i thought you was cute
and looked away
trying to
get away
from those eyes.
my friend walked up to you
introduced us.
we shook hands
my heart skipped a beat
and i thought
oh no.

World's Biggest Idiot

I think that
for someone who
falls in love with
a person that
can manipulate people
so completely
to the point where
they have already fallen into
the way the manipulator
wants them to think
so deeply
is a fool.
that is why
my brain is in anguish
for it knows
that my heart is a fool
thereby making me
the worlds biggest idiot
for knowing that
i am a fool
and doing nothing
to stop myself.
a fool
for i try to end this
sexual attraction
these secret smiles
the silent laughter
that happens when the manipulator is around

but i cant
this bond that he is weaving is
stronger than i anticipated
he is my enemy
he is my happiness
an i am the worlds
biggest idiot.