Crappy

I've been feeling quite crappy lately. Many of my friends were off in their world. What do I mean by their world? They all have boyfriends to take care of. Who do I have? A teddy bear who is slowly ripping apart by a huge tear in its back. Now, don't get me wrong. I love that teddy bear (even though I'm in college i don't care) but I am tired. There is no people in college that I'm interested in or are interested in me. I come home to all the younger people talking about their booming romantic life and unknowingly to them, rub my loneliness in my face further. I've been so depressed that I wrote this short story:
I started laughing before I could stop myself. No matter how angry I got at this man, somehow he always weaseled his way back into m good graces. "HAHAHA!" I laughed, uncontrollably now. "Babe....." I started to say before more laughs escaped me, "PLEASE!" I just couldn't take it anymore. "I CAN'T BREATHE!" I screamed. Finally, my boyfriend stopped his assault of the tickles on my feet and raised his head to grin at me. My heart fluttered as I looked into his sea green eyes and couldn't help but smile at my man. "All forgiven?" he asked playfully. "yes dammit" i said with a smile. i couldn't get enough of this man and apparently he couldn't get enough of me too. i loved him way beyond what i thought i was capable of loving and regretted it slightly. a man with this much influence on me still scared me. the only good thing was that he doesn't take me for granted and loves me too. He doesn't know that i love him, but he tells me he loves me all the time. I'm not the overly romantic type of girl (okay maybe a little) but he fits my life perfectly.
Yes, I know it's weird to write a slightly romantic short story when your depressed but it made me smile and feel a little better at the time. I still feel a little crappy though =/ I anxiously await my turn for a boyfriend too.

Oh no

i was walking
down a quiet hallway
with my friend.
i opened the door
and there you was
standing.
i thought you was cute
and looked away
trying to
get away
from those eyes.
my friend walked up to you
introduced us.
we shook hands
my heart skipped a beat
and i thought
oh no.

World's Biggest Idiot

I think that
for someone who
falls in love with
a person that
can manipulate people
so completely
to the point where
they have already fallen into
the way the manipulator
wants them to think
so deeply
is a fool.
that is why
my brain is in anguish
for it knows
that my heart is a fool
thereby making me
the worlds biggest idiot
for knowing that
i am a fool
and doing nothing
to stop myself.
a fool
for i try to end this
sexual attraction
these secret smiles
the silent laughter
that happens when the manipulator is around

but i cant
this bond that he is weaving is
stronger than i anticipated
he is my enemy
he is my happiness
an i am the worlds
biggest idiot.

College

Im in college and I still cant believe it
am i having fun? am i lonely? am i wanted by those around me?
its so weird, having to watch what you say
the process of making new friends
is very annoying
it makes me slightly
just a pinch
wish i was home again
back to the leeches
that suck me dry
when they knew i had nothing left to give
but at least i knew there function, and didn't have to guess
at what to say, do, think
but I'm in college
I have to grow up
these are suppose to be the best years of my life
so i guess ill try....

Website

So I was there sitting on my bed bored as hell. My phone was silent (no surprise there) since everyone was busy with their summer jobs and I'm stuck at home. (parents banned me from applying to jobs claiming that I was a work-a-holic. please tell me you rolled your eyes also) I got really bored and decided to try my hardest to make a way to get money and stumbled upon a research facility that pays you to get your opinion on things. At first I was super excited since my first survey paid me twenty five bucks (big smiley face) But then I realized how annoying it was to sit at the computer, filling out pages after pages of answers (huge sigh) and quickly became bored again. Then I decided, what the hay, I'm going to start my own website..... nobody told me how tedious it was to create my own website -_- But I will press on. I'm going to try to do this (lol) and hopefully find a survey that I would enjoy doing to earn a couple of bucks.

Alone

So there I was, alone
i had a chance to finally have the boy that has made a mansion in my heart
had a chance to lay to rest all of the rumors of the wonders of sex
has a chance to be happy since he is the one who understands my moods the best
and i had to say no
no to my happiness, love, heart
since i was a christian
you can't have an unequal yoke relationship
yes he doesn't go to church
i have no idea if he believes in God
but HE never judged me
HE never made fun at my sometimes socially awkward self
HE never turned his back on me when i had slow moments
HE embraced me when i was drained at the end of the day
i wanted so bad to say yes to my happiness
yes yes yes
to my chance to finally have a complete heart
after the many times he broke it when he was with another girl
but no, i revert to my old self
even after so many years, when i "grew up"
when i get too close to him, i become young again
inexperienced, blubbering, nervous, shy, fidgety
but he put up with it
only to have me say no
because of my conscious
warning me that i was giving into temptation
so where does that leave me?
there is no boy waiting for me at home
no boy that is for me in church
no boy at the streets who know my name
so therefore i am
alone

Who are you? (short story)

The cold wind hit my face before I had fully opened the door. The sun had not yet made its rise into the large darkness called the sky. Not a soul walked the streets and the street lamps cast an orange light on small circular areas. The morning quietness was what I was accustomed to, and yet, I felt watched. A cup of water being cradled in the crock of my arm and dog food in my right hand, I pulled the door closed with my left hand.
Turning around to descend the white stairs of my house, I stopped abruptly in my tracks. On my garage, a long beam of wood was sticking straight up. However, today there was someone casually sitting on that beam. We stared at each other for a long moment. My heart beat was thundering loud in my ears but I stood frozen, staring at the most handsome man I had ever seen in my life.
He watched me with lazy, acute eyes and didn't move from his post. Trying to decide which way would be safest for me to get back into my house, I shifted my weight on my left leg. I was getting ready to start running when one moment he was on my garage, and the next he was close enough that our noses touched. I jumped and gave an involuntary gasp. Acting quickly, I thew both my dog food and water at his face before reaching behind me to open the door and into the safety of my house. He held my hands together and pinned me against the door before my fingertips touched the door nob.
I stared at his eyes, a mixture of bright red and black, and felt the fear start to grow. He didn't say anything and I didn't either. He leaned closer to me and nuzzled my neck. Sighing, he leaned his body into mine and still kept me immobile. I felt him shuddering and trying to snuggle deep into my body. It took me a moment to realize that my jacket had been ripped open for his own body coldness was against my t-shirt that I threw on. We stayed like that for a while and slowly my fear started to go away.
Raising his head from my neck, he stared at me with those interesting eyes and kissed me. I had been so surprised that I jumped and the motion caused me to bite him on his bottom lip. His breathe caught in his throat and slowly licked away the tiny droplets of blood that had formed. Fear was once again ignited within me as I watched his eyes turned redder and a slow smile bloomed on his lips. A scream started building within me when he gave me a huge grin. He knew I was afraid of him. Black spots started popping up in my vision as I felt myself start to experience a panic attack. My chest started falling and rising rapidly as my breathe got shallower. Darkness started to drown me until I finally gave into it.

You

In those times
when the daydreams turn bad
when sunny days had rain
when rain had lightning
when lightening had floods
when floods killed
when the dead were frozen
faces on my mind,
you was there.

In the days when
my dreams were dark
my songs were slow
souls being poured
though rhythmic melodies
tear drenched words
heart bleeding memories
you were there.

You were there
and that's all that mattered
to get me through
the days that would
ordinarily
kill me

Shocked

I don't believe this
the shock I feel
makes me speechless
the anger I had
is put on hold
because I am bewildered
by this girl

every single boy
every other girl
has she made it her mission
to take away from me

and she doesn't discriminate
no age, sex or nationality
she just has to force me to share
all the people I hold dare
she forces her way through my metal doors
to take residence where I once ruled
I want, I plead, I cry for the day
when I finally own something she can't take

Smile

Been fighting
Till my breath
was gone.

Been laughing
at nothing
empty smile.

Been thinking
remembering
replaying

and I froze.

Froze the process
of self-destruction.

Froze the imagination
tearing me apart.

Froze the pain
of loneliness.

and I smiled.

Smile at the
great times
I remembered

smiled at
the things of today.

smiled at the hope
of tomorrow.

and I relaxed.